What Self Love Really Is And How To Embody It Every Day

Welcome to the Satiated Podcast, where we explore physical and emotional hunger, satiation, and healing your relationship with your food and body. I'm your host, Stephanie Mara Fox, your Somatic Nutritional Counselor.

I have often felt like talking about self love can feel frustrating and confusion. What does loving oneself actually mean and look like? Early in my twenties, I think I thought self love looked and felt like self discipline. I went to yoga and meditated almost every day, I was strict with myself on what and when I would eat, I went to bed early and woke up early. From the outside, it looked like I deeply loved myself through how I cared for myself but that it not the way it felt. I felt trapped, depressed, and disconnected. My routine wasn't bringing me joy or love, it brought short term safety. And that bubble would burst if I did anything outside of that routine where I would then be so cruel with myself. Self love may show up as an act, but now I experience it as a felt sense. It feels like a warmth, a closeness, and an appreciation of my body for all that it does and navigates every day. I chat about what the path to self love actually looks and feels like with Lulu Essey today.

Lulu spent three decades winning awards and working with global brands like Porsche, BMW, Cartier, and Google across four continents while battling severe bipolar disorder and profound self-hatred. That paradox taught her something most entrepreneurs miss: you can build something impressive and still be miserable inside it. Now a Speaker, Mindset Advisor, and host of The Lulu Essey Podcast (intentionally unedited), she helps driven professionals stop building on quicksand and create success that actually feels good - and is sustainable. Her message: Self-Love is the foundation everything else is built on (and it's not what most people think it is). We chat about understanding the difference between self love and self care, the practice of staying with yourself in all emotions, sensations, and reactions, navigating discomfort, the role of safety in self love, the courage to face inner struggles, and the importance of asking for support.

The first class of the Somatic Eating® Program happened this past Thursday, and it was amazing! If you're feeling that darn I lost out feeling, I'm keeping the doors open to join until Tuesday, May 26th. You'll be able to watch the recording of the first class and join the second class on Thursday, May 28th. If you've ever had thoughts of “Why can’t I stop thinking about food or my body image?” “Why do I keep ruining my progress?” “Why do I keep bingeing?” “Why do I keep starting over every Monday?” The Somatic Eating® Program has been the missing link for past participants to finally decrease food and body image coping behaviors and feel greater peace of mind, deeper connection with their body, and reclaiming their life as their own. You can find the link to join in the show notes or go to somaticeating.com and you can sign up and receive support immediately. Now, welcome Lulu! I am really looking forward to connecting with you today, and getting to know more about you and your work, and I'm so glad you reached out, and I'd love to get started with just hearing more about you and your history, and how you got into the work that you're doing today.

Lulu Essey 04:00

Thank you, Stephanie. Well, first, let me say that I've so been looking forward to this conversation, and the opportunity to also speak with your community. It's a real honor for me. So, thank you. So, how I came to do the work that I'm doing today, I really love this question, because I think there wasn't a single moment, there was a series of moments that led up to where I'm at today, but I do remember a specific moment when I was quite a few years into my career, when I was still living in Asia, and I was in a hotel room after an event, and I was just about to close the curtains. It was nighttime, and I saw a reflection of myself in the window, so it wasn't in the mirror, it was in the window, and I stopped, and I looked at the image of the person being reflected back at me, and I thought, you know, I don't have a clue how to be kind to that person. I know how to push that person, I know how to get that person to perform, I know how to get that person to win awards, but I actually don't know what it is to be kind to that person and what it is to stay with that person and that kind of opened up a real question in me and then over the years I realized that I was constantly looking for things and answers outside of myself out there in the world and using that as a measure of kind of how I felt and where I was in life, and I had the equation, I won't even say backwards, but like inside out, upside down, and that's what led me to teach what I've come to call self love, and really at its core, at the essence of it is the refusal to abandon myself and really uncovering what it means to stay with yourself, because when you say self love, a lot of people firstly don't understand what that really means, and they get it confused with self care. That's the one thing. The other thing is, and I'm not saying self-care is not important, it is important, but at these two very different things, and the other thing that happens is when they hear self-love, there's this immediate like ick, like cringe, like eye roll, like, oh no, what is the real relevance of that, you know, we're here to talk about goals, getting ahead in life, and now you want to talk about self love. No, that's not for me. I'm not a narcissist. So, there's a lot of kind of detangling that needs to happen, I think, when it comes to the whole subject of self love and what it means.

Stephanie Mara 06:56

Oh my gosh, I love your background and your story, and such a powerful moment that I feel like so many people can connect with, of that moment when you see your reflection and your habituated response is like just not knowing, like you said, not knowing how to interact with the image being reflected back to you with kindness or compassion or love or affection. Yes, I'm curious just of what you were describing, how would you define the difference between self love and self care? Because I agree with you, I do feel like those things get mixed up, that it's like, oh, if I engage in these self care acts, that is an act of love, or that is me loving myself, and so, yeah, I'm wondering, how you define the difference between the two.

Lulu Essey 07:47

Okay, so I think you have articulated the difference without even realizing it, and you use the word act, and self care is an action, it's something you do, it's going for the manicure, it's going for the walk in the park, it's something that you do that's in essence, it's outside of you. Self love is very different, because it's more about a state of being, and self love is a return to self. It's not something you become, it's not constructing a version of yourself that you can then love it's having that sense of love with all the imperfections, all the masks, all the scars, all the unhealed wounds, all the aspects of you that are in work in progress, and that is a very different place than self care, and and the other thing is self love and love yourself, there's also a distinction there, because when people hear love yourself, firstly they don't quite know what that means, and it's also something outside of you, whereas self love, it's like the self and the love are not two separate things, they're one and the same, and that's why I speak about a return to self. It's not, let's go on a course, let's find the 10 principles of, you know, what's going to make you a lovable person, and then we can love ourselves. It's not that at all. Also, another area where people get a little confused is they think it's a feeling, and it can eventually grow into a feeling. Feelings are really fleeting. Feelings can come and go, depending on the day, but self-love can be a decision. And then the feeling can come later, and the decision is the refusal to abandon yourself. It's the decision to stay with yourself, even when it is hard, especially when it's hard, especially when you don't like yourself, especially when you don't love yourself. Asking you to love yourself when you're in that place feels impossible. It's too far away. It's too big a job, but staying with ourselves, that's something we can all do. Doesn't mean it's easy, it's really hard, especially in the beginning, but it's possible.

Stephanie Mara 10:13

Oh my gosh, I just really feel how transformational that redefinition of what self-love is can be. That is not what we have been taught. I really appreciate you naming that. It doesn't have to be a feeling. I feel like that's like a mind blown moment, even for myself right now of I hear you bringing in actually quite a lot of somatic work into this, of like self love is what you are, and that what you are is just what you are right now in this moment, and that might be whatever it is that you're feeling, but it's the embodiment of I am love.

Lulu Essey 10:57

Yes, no, completely, that that is it, and you know it's like I say, we're born loving ourselves. I mean, look at a child, children love themselves. Young children do not criticize themselves, it's who they are, but we unlearn that. So that is why is that return to self and self love. I think also in terms of kind of somatic work, and in terms of the work that you do with your community specifically Stephanie, is that self love is not what's going to get you to love your body, it's not what's going to get you to eat differently, it's not what's going to get you to stop those patterns, and not going to what's going to get you to want the salad, but it's going to give you a place to come home to. It's going to give you that safety. It's going to create in you that safety that I can come home to myself. And then the patterns kind of take care of themselves. It's really understanding that at a very deep level, and not making it about, oh, I'm gonna love myself towards a better feeling body, it's not that at all, but that's a lot of what we've been taught it means to love ourselves, and I often say to people, you can, like, you can start to love yourself when you don't like yourself and people like don't understand it's like how the hell do I do that, it's that moment, it's those tiny choices, it's not a big act, it's the tiny decision you make to stay with yourself in that hard moment, even when you don't like yourself, and then those moments compound.

Stephanie Mara 12:42

Yeah, that's really powerful in what I even hear for those who you know are typically here listening to this are on a food or body image recovery journey, and that it's not that, oh, when I love myself, then my food coping mechanisms will just magically go away, which I feel like is some messaging that is out there that some people receive, but what you're naming is that loving yourself isn't necessarily going to stop you from having the impulse to, like, binge eat, for example, like you may still have those impulses even in the experience of embodying that you are love, because we are fallible human beings that have urges and cravings and impulses, and those aren't just going to go away just because we also know that we belong and deserve to be here.

Lulu Essey 13:36

Absolutely, I think one of the things that I'm sure your listeners can resonate with, in terms of the work that you do with them, is that this is a practice. This is not a destination. The goal here is not to get to a place of self love, and then we're done. We've got the certificate, or whatever it is. It's a daily practice, and some days are going to be blissful, and you will just sail through them. Other days are going to be so hard, and you will abandon yourself, but it's what you do that do in that moment, and how quickly you can come back to yourself. How much passion can you return to your to self? So, it's for me, the goal is not about never having that craving or those patterns, but it's what you do in that moment, what you do at 10pm when you open the fridge and you're standing there at the door. It's what happens in that moment. It's treating yourself with the compassion, and if you'll allow me, I just wanted to say something about self compassion, because self compassion is part of self love, but it is slightly different to self love. Self compassion is what you do when something inside you is hurting. Self love is what you become, so it's like. Self compassion is one of the faces of self love, but self love is something larger. So, compassion is a very important component, but the two are different.

Stephanie Mara 15:12

Yeah, I appreciate that delineation. I am curious, as you have been redefining this for yourself, what has that looked like in your own life from that moment that you're like, I don't know how to love that person? What does that kind of look like to start embodying it and no longer abandoning yourself?

Lulu Essey 15:31

Yeah, okay, so what it's looked like, firstly, it's looked very messy and very so-called imperfect, and it's kind of, I gave up wanting to know what the roadmap was, and I just made the decision. It's those incremental choices that I keep talking about, and it's creating what I identify as micro moments of safety, so it's when I hear that critical voice come and I'm about to rip into myself like I can so beautifully do. It's kind of stopping midway and it's asking myself one question: Is this what I would say to somebody that I refuse to abandon? And that's it. That's the practice, and those are how I create micro moments of safety. And attached to that is another practice that I developed, and I developed this when I was in crisis. It didn't come from a clear, eloquent place. It came from crisis. I found myself in the shower, sobbing, and all I could do was put my hand on my heart and say I will not abandon you over and over and over. You can see I'm even getting kind of like very... it overwhelms me, because the power of that is so profound, and it's you don't have to know what to do next, just create that 30 seconds of safety, just stay with the woman who has been wanting your attention all the time, but you keep running away from her, just stay there and be with that discomfort for a little bit, it's not easy, but at least it's a little clearer.

Stephanie Mara 17:22

Yeah, it reminds me of when I first started to be in the practice of no longer binge eating myself, that I didn't know it at the time, but it is a very similar practice of what you're describing. At the time, there was so much that I couldn't verbalize, it was like the urge to binge was so strong, but the urge to want to no longer abandon myself started to be stronger than the urge to binge, and so I hear you in that experience of like you could be feeling the most intense experiences in your body, and it is sometimes the hardest decision to choose to stay, like I know that everything in me was screaming at me to leave myself to just do the behavior, to abandon myself, to try to make the intensity go away. So I agree with you that it's such a practice to say I'm gonna choose to stay regardless of how uncomfortable this is, and like, see what happens. I'm curious, what your experience has been as you've moved through those moments of intensity as well.

Lulu Essey 18:35

Yes, so I think firstly, a lot of your community are very high performing woman, and stay can feel quite passive, you know. Oh, just stay. Stay is the bravest decision you can make. It's also one of the hardest. That's where courage lives, that's where bravery lives, and that's where vulnerability lives. So, when I say stay, there's nothing easy or passive about this. Something that I do want to say that I think might be helpful for listeners is when you actively choose to form a new habit, change your behavior, leave an abusive relationship, whether it's your own abusive relationship with food, whatever it is. When you decide to make a change, we are usually very good at that. But what happens is, and the way I've come to think about it is, we leave a room and we close the door, and we're very good at closing that door, but then we stand in the hallway, and the hallway is dark, it's uncomfortable, and it's quiet in a way that we don't know. It can be restless, that we can feel anxiety, and what so often happens is we think because we're feeling those things that we've made the wrong decision. What a lot of people do at that moment, they think, well, if I made the right decision, this would feel better, and it doesn't feel better. So I'm going to go back into the old room, because it's terrible, but it's familiar. So what's happening then is the reason it feels uncomfortable, and the reason the new door hasn't opened yet is because our brains neurologically are rewiring, and that work metabolically takes so much energy, because our brains are extremely efficient, and you know, Donald Webb said neurons that fire together wire together, so habitual patterns like binge eating, it's a well-worn groove, and your brain can just follow that pattern, and it's easy. Now you're asking your brain to form a new road. The road is dusty, it's overgrown, and the brain is trying to lay these new pathways, and it's hard, and that's where that exhaustion comes from. That's where that, oh, why doesn't this feel better? I, you know, I've made the choice, but if you can just give yourself some time, be in that discomfort, let your brain do the hard work that it's doing. The room to the new door will open, and it doesn't mean the road is now fully laid, but at least you can start moving onto that road now. I have the language and the kind of the understanding of what was going on, but when I was going through that, I didn't know what was happening, but I knew what I was feeling, and I knew that it didn't feel good, but the more I learned to stay in that discomfort, then came the time when I could exhale, and to a lot of women, what I want to also, because this work is so nuanced and has so many layers, there's two different types of discomfort. There's the discomfort from something that's new and unfamiliar, and that's the discomfort that I was talking about, and yes, it's uncomfortable, but underneath everything, there's a sense of I'm curious, I think I can do this, and then there's the discomfort of danger when your body is just saying no, that's something entirely different, like the discomfort of an abusive relationship, belief, so it's understanding which are you really feeling, and sometimes you just got to let it settle, but the body knows, the body will always tell you which is which.

Stephanie Mara 22:24

Yeah, I always like to bring in that we sometimes have to learn the felt sense difference between is this danger or is this discomfort. So I'm glad that you're bringing in this differentiation, because sometimes, especially if someone has a history of past trauma, everything can start to be filtered through a lens of everything is dangerous, and yeah, sometimes it is like you're describing slowing it down, pausing, being like, is this actually dangerous, or am I just feeling discomfort? Usually, in those moments I even like to suggest to like actually look around the room. Is there actually something in my environment right now that is dangerous? If there is, yeah, you'll pick up on it pretty quickly, but if there's not, it's like you're going through your senses to actually somatically tell your body there is no danger here.

Lulu Essey 23:23

Yes, completely. And I think you know that's where the power of small steps, you call them baby steps, I call them small steps, or tiny, is so profound, because you know this probably better than I do Stephanie, is that the gap between knowing and doing is not a willpower gap, it's a safety gap, and the way we allow our nervous systems to feel safe is small steps repeated and compounded over time, because what those small steps do, they kind of almost fly under the radar of our nervous system, and our nervous system doesn't register them as a threat, and then they compound, and that's where the safety starts gathering momentum, and our nervous systems become okay. This is not bad, I can do this, and that's how we build it, but the big dramatic kind of, you know, people love a hack, and the fast track routes, those don't work for your nervous system, they work for your mind, and they seduce your mind, but the nervous system can't follow through because it doesn't feel safe.

Stephanie Mara 24:31

Yeah, when you work with people at this point, where you're trying to support them and moving towards not abandoning, embodying love, and you've really identified like they don't feel safe doing these things, I'm curious, what have you seen be supportive, or how have you seen that process be even for yourself?

Lulu Essey 24:45

So, firstly, is to kind of retire the belief that slow is less than. You know, I think as a society we want things to happen quickly. We want things to happen overnight. We look at social media and we think, oh, well, they did it in an instant, why can't I? So it's like really trying to re wire that whole thinking process and get them to understand that slow is sustainable, slow is the soil in which we create the safety, the safety is not the goal. Safety is the soil that allows the self love and the not abandoning to happen. Things that are rooted don't have to be propped up by willpower, because they rooted, and that's where sustainability lives, so it's that willingness to take it slow and to not kind of get into comparison, or we love to measure things like how long is it taking, so it's kind of breaking that myth down, getting people feeling comfortable with what it is to take things slowly and small steps that they can start feeling how those small steps compound, celebrating the wins is critically important, and then getting them to a place where they can feel what the next step is, not think what the next step is, because if they can feel their way through, then then they don't need me anymore, then they're off and running. And what I always say to people is, adapt, don't adopt, so adapt what I'm teaching you to your life, to your belief systems, to your unique situation, and then run with it, whereas a lot of people are saying, adopt these principles, adopt these habits. When you do that integration on your own, you call it embodiment, and the only way you can embody something is when it is your own, when it comes from you. So that's what, how I try and work with my clients, and they need to be prepared to get messy, and messy is fun, you know. I think messy has got a really bad rap, but messy is really fun, and it requires again, it's that bravery and that vulnerability, and you'll discover parts of yourself, and it doesn't all have to be so heavy as well, there can be some levity in it. You can enjoy this process of getting to a place where you can embody that self-love. It's a very freeing, and when you mess up, you mess up, you know. I have days where I mess up constantly.

Stephanie Mara 24:52

Yeah, you pointed out so many amazing things in your description there. So, first one thing that I love that you said was that self-trust, that when you're in the process of being with discomfort, sometimes it feels like nothing is happening, but that is actually when new neural pathways and the nervous system is being rewired. It may feel like on the outside nothing is going on, you're just being with discomfort, and what is the point of this? This is so uncomfortable. Why are you doing this? But every time, like you're describing, you sit with and embody the discomfort and not abandon yourself in it. Every time you do that, you are strengthening that new neural network, you are rewiring your nervous system to be like this is not dangerous, this is just discomfort. We don't have to turn on the nervous system when we experience these sensations or emotions or thoughts. So, I loved that piece, and the other piece that you are pointing to, that I think that you are really pinpointing something about a gripe that I have with how somatics is being talked about on social media, is it's being presented as this thing outside of ourselves, like here are these somatic practices that I need to do and adopt as you are talking about, and then that will lead me somewhere rather than, and I love that you brought this in. What's going to work for me, and that the word somatic itself is relating to the body, and so no one can actually tell you what's going to help you relate with your own body, that is the somatic practice, is what movements, what thoughts, what behaviors, what actions, what foods help me connect with myself, and that is a self-discovery piece. So I actually really love that you brought that in, because it actually is really important to bring all of this work back to self, of like you are a unique person who lives in a unique body, and only you are going to know what works for you in your life.

Lulu Essey 29:51

Yeah, absolutely, Stephanie. I think kind of somatic work is very of the moment right now, and everyone's talking about it. But I agree with you, it's being talked about as something that happens out there, and I'll tell you exactly how to do it. Follow these five steps, and that's, you know, you can give the guideposts, you can share your own experience, but I think this is where the real work is, and this is why people shy away, because you've got to go inside, and it takes courage to go inside, because very often what we see in there we don't always like. Actually, we very seldom like what we see in there. But can you sit with that, not judge it? You don't have to love it, and that's another fallacy. It's too much to ask you to love at that point, but just sit with it and listen to what it has to say to you, because that came from somewhere, that came from pain and from trauma, and from it didn't just arrive there. So, if you can find the courage, the vulnerability, the bravery to just sit with that woman, that person, that young girl, that whoever, that feeling, it doesn't need to go anywhere, it doesn't need to be anything, just sit and see what comes up, that's the work.

Stephanie Mara 31:15

Yeah, the imagery that really came up for me as you were describing that was just how if a mother is skilled at trying to provide unconditional love, that that experience of there is no expectation that a child has to show up a certain way to receive that love, they can show up upset, cranky, depressed, anxious, sad, mad, whatever it is, where they can feel uncomfortable in their own bodies, they can be having a hard day, they can be going through a breakup, whatever that child is going through, that parent is going to be like, oh, and I'm here, I'm here for you in this, and that's the imagery that came up for me as you were describing that, it's like it's not a matter of what you're really pointing to, is kind of conditional love. I will love you when I will love you when you look a certain way, I will love you when you act a certain way, I will love you when you get out of this depression, I will love you when you're not angry, rather than I am here for you, body, I am here for you, and everything you can experience, everything you can go through, all of life, and we're just going to navigate this together. It goes like above and beyond the surface level things that we're told, like I'll love you when.

Lulu Essey 32:33

Yes, completely, completely. And that is also one of the core tenets of self love, is not attaching your worth to what's happening outside to that promotion or that getting rid of the depression or losing the weight or getting the relationship, I'm not saying those things are not important, they can be important to you. Our worth is absolutely non-negotiable, it just is. And I think what a lot of us are doing, and I certainly did it for, for the majority of my life, was looking outside of myself for that validation, for that worth, those sign posts along the way, and I just kept accumulating those sign posts, but inside it was barren, it was so barren, because it had always been conditional, attached to that, and something that we haven't spoken about, but attached to that was this label that I wore for so many years of being high functioning, and I think it's a very tricky, very damaging label, because it hides the struggle, and for me it was, you know, a confused discipline. Well, discipline was just a very sophisticated way for me to abandon myself, and high functioning hid my struggle, and it also hid the fact that I was struggling with a very severe mental illness, and so I performed, and I got more accolades, and then more praise for being high functioning, and then instead of getting help, I had more expectation put on me. It kind of snowballed where it felt almost impossible to ask for help, because I was so high functioning. I mean, there was nothing wrong with me, come on. And even that is something that we have to be really mindful of, and be very careful not to label people as high functioning, because it's damaging, and I think it hides so much pain and so much struggle, and it deprives the person of the support that they need, and it makes the person experiencing it almost feel like they can't say they need help, because then this whole performance has been a farce.

Stephanie Mara 34:50

Yeah, it sounds like even what you're describing is it like diminishes even any accomplishment, because if you get to the point where you're like, oh, I know. To admit that I actually needed other people or needed support all along, it can start to have someone view themselves and their accomplishments differently. The lens that I always like to look through with that is like, especially if we're coming from a nervous system that was taught I have to do everything on my own, and that actually reaching out for support isn't safe, especially if, when you did in the past, what you got back was like just buck up, get through, you got this, you can do this, and no one really saw the pain you were even describing before, how much courage and bravery there can be in starting to reach out for more co-regulation, that it's like, no, actually, you don't have to do this life by yourself, and that doesn't make you less than. It's like amazing all the meanings that get attached to when we realize, like, what we need as a human being. All the meanings that then come up of, like, what does this mean about who I am, and I think it's important to kind of sometimes challenge the meanings, like, do I have to make it mean this, or could it actually mean, like, wow, look how brave I am to connect with myself, to not abandon myself, and to actually embody I am a person who needs people. This is going to feel scary. I'm going to stay with myself in this fear as I also start providing myself with what I need as well.

Lulu Essey 36:25

Completely, completely, and I think you spoke about asking for help, and I think that's such a powerful thing that we can model, and especially if you're in a leadership position, or that doesn't have to be in a leadership position in your life, because when you are willing to ask for help. It kind of allows other people, then, to say, well, actually, I need help too. It's like, yes, you're getting the help yourself, but you're giving people permission. And I've been in leadership positions where I've done that, and to see that reflected back at me, and how my team responds, not just by giving me help, but then by asking for help themselves, it's so powerful, and I think there's something also that's kind of a little in the zeitgeist as well at the moment, and this thing that I don't care what other people think. Of course we do. We wired that we wired for connection, we do care what other people think, and the difference is it's not about caring or not caring, it's about not then attaching the worth or the love to what they think, but yes, we do care, and it's okay to care, but it's not kind of like outsourcing our value and our worth to what it is that they're going to give back or reflect back to us.

Stephanie Mara 37:42

Yeah, that's so well said. You know what I really hear you also describing, which is a conversation I feel like I have with most people, is around validation and acknowledgement of the moments where you are caring. Like you said, it's okay to care. Sometimes we just have to validate, I am caring what they think of me right now, I am caring how my body is perceived right now. Not that you have to do anything about that, which I think is something you're pointing to as well. You can just say, yeah, I'm having a moment where I do care. There's something coming up for me, maybe from your history, your past, your beliefs, and sometimes we just need to validate and acknowledge that, like, I love how you even said earlier, and I say this too, like, you don't actually have to love this container, like, you don't have to love the container you exist in, and that it's not the prerequisite to love yourself. If love is embodiment, then that's also embodying when you don't love the container, like what's that like to also just be with yourself in that. Sometimes just naming, yeah, I don't like the way I look today is a mind twist is actually an act of, I know we're talking about self love not being an act, but it can be a way to embody self love is to say I'm going to show up for myself in this experience that doesn't feel like I'm loving myself, right? Is that...?

Lulu Essey 39:10

That is it. That is the embodiment beautifully articulated. It's waking up in the morning, not liking what your body's doing, not liking the way that you look, but staying, but stay anyway, and choosing yourself anyway. It's not us. I'm not asking you to love, because that's going to feel fake, and you're going to feel like a fraud. But I'm just saying, just stay with yourself. Then the next time the choice becomes slightly easier, and then you know how it goes. Then it compounds, and it's like everything at first it's really hard, and you're clumsy, and you'll fall over your own feet, but everything gets easier with practice. Even this, why should rules apply in some instances and not in others? And it's called a practice for a very clear reason.

Stephanie Mara 40:05

Yeah, I'm wondering when you describe the experience of staying and not leaving. I'm wondering how you guide individuals in that. I know something that typically has supported myself, because I know it's like it's a little bit of a confusing experience, of like, okay, I get the idea of staying, but how do I actually do it? And sometimes, for me, when I started doing somatic work, it would be, can I describe what's happening, and if it's too much to describe what's happening, can I be in movement with myself, so sometimes that would be getting up, turning on music, actually moving in my body as a way to stay with myself with the intensity that was showing up. So I do want to make it clear that sometimes I feel like there's this imagery of you have to be like this Buddhist like figure on a cushion, staying with yourself in the intensity that's here, and it doesn't have to necessarily look like that. So I'm wondering about your experience.

Lulu Essey 41:00

Yes, I love that you've asked this question, because yes, I think we do need to kind of break it down for for listeners, because they don't think that I need to sit on a cushion and be completely zen, because that's so not who I am. So, it really does depend on kind of where my mood is at, and how kind of like dark the moment is. If the moment is really dark, the hand on my heart, and kind of really feeling my feet in the ground, taking three really conscious breaths, and just repeating, I will not abandon you, I will not abandon you, and just settling into that, and then seeing what comes next, that is, if it's really, really dark and heavy, if there's still a little bit of spaciousness within it. I personally, I love to kind of just connect with myself, and just this simple act of a hand on a heart, it kind of brings me into the moment, gets me out of my head, and I'm very pro moving my body, it's so grounding for me. So, whether I go for a walk outside or one thing I love to do is I just put on music and like blast it, and if I'm worried about the neighbors, and I'll put my headphones on, and I will just...I don't even want to say dance, because then people think you have to have rhythm. I'll just move, and just move, and move, and move, because what I'm trying to do in those moments is stop the thoughts, not stop them, but just not let them swallow me, not let them swallow me, and so my body is very helpful in those moments, and moving my body, so it's not about doing a specific set of movements in a specific order, it's just whatever I'm capable of in that moment, something, anything, be it messy, it doesn't matter, just something that's going to help you in the moment. The other thing that is very grounding for me is water, getting into shower, you know, I mean, it's a wonderful place to cry as well, but I love the feeling of like really focusing on the water landing on my body, it's so visceral, so that helps me as well, so anything that I can think of in that moment to help myself, and it really, like I said, if I'm in a very dark place, often the hand on the heart and the three breaths is about as good as it's gonna get at that moment, and that's enough. That's also enough. It's also then letting go of the expectation of what it's supposed to look like, it's going to look different every time, and you know, you said something earlier about can you describe it. I also have a practice of bringing my senses into it, and it's like describing something I can see, or three things I can see, something I can smell, is there anything I can taste, what am I feeling, bringing my awareness really back to my senses, but don't think about it in a sophisticated way. I think, because that's where it becomes unhelpful, and that's where you kind of get into the structure of things rather than the rawness of it, and that's where you want to be. You want to be in the moment, with your body figuring it out as you go along, so let it just be what it needs to be, and your way is the way.

Stephanie Mara 44:29

Yeah, great, bringing it back around to that, because, yeah, I mean, there are these practices and examples we can offer, but then it's also like listening to yourself of what's going to be best for me. I am wondering, what have you seen change for yourself as this has been an ongoing practice for you?

Lulu Essey 44:47

Oh Stephanie, I mean, my whole, like, literally my life has turned around. I feel like an expansiveness, I feel so much a sense of possibility, and the ability to be kind to myself, to be compassionate, to say it's okay, and that's different to letting myself off the hook, because people get confused, and they think, Oh, well, oh, you're just going to become soft, you're going to lose all your ambition. No, it's a very different thing. It's about having grace. When I started to first experience those moments of grace towards myself, it was like awe. It's like there's so much beauty there, and it's not always beautiful, that's the thing, but I'm finding my way through, and I feel much more equipped under no illusions. I don't have the answer, you know, the answer looks different on different days, but I'm able to move through, I'm really able to move through, and you know, this is a conversation for another time, but I'm somebody who part of the manifestation of my mental illness was, you know, I have engaged in self-harm for long periods of time, and so to come from that, now that is like an extreme form of self hatred, or however you, but to come from that and to be where I am today, it feels almost miraculous. It's about a willingness, and it's about a willingness again, it's that willingness not to abandon yourself and to see all the darkness and all the bits that you don't like, and not run away, stay there.

Stephanie Mara 46:30

So powerful, and such a tribute to the work that you've been doing to come also so far from a place of what I hear is just like really a lot of like fight or flight, collapse, shut down, like so much lack of safety in your own body to be here today, where you're teaching about self love and embodiment, and not abandoning yourself, and such a big deal. I'm curious, you know, I always like to wrap up with a baby step for individuals, and we went through so much today around things that people can explore and start to play with and integrate into their own life, you know, if someone wanted to start to practice what we're talking about, staying with themselves or embodying love, not just being it or acting it, what baby step might you offer them?

Lulu Essey 47:22

I just love that you always ask this. It's such a beautiful, beautiful question, and it's so grounding for your listeners. And I think the baby step that I would offer, and I've, I've spoken about it already, but I want to kind of expand on it, is when you catch yourself in that moment, however you want to articulate or define that moment, the moment when you're about to really come down on yourself, be critical, hate yourself for having eaten what you just eaten, hating yourself for kind of feeling the compulsion to binge or criticizing a conversation you had, catch yourself in that moment, and then ask the question, is this what I would say to somebody who I refuse to abandon, is this what I would say to them? Do not ask yourself to feel love. Do not ask yourself to judge the thought, or examine the thought, or deconstruct the thought. Don't do an affirmation, even. That's not the time for affirmations, that's not the time for feelings. Just ask yourself that question, and then just stay there for 30 seconds. That's all I'm asking. And then maybe the next time you can stay for 60 seconds, and don't ask yourself just once every time it happens. Be willing to ask yourself that question, and maybe, maybe then you could put your head on your heart and say, I will not abandon you, even if it feels cringe at first, just try it, try it on for size, that's all. It's free, it's accessible. We can do it in the silence of our minds. You can do it when you're standing in the grocery line, you can do it in the bathroom at work, you can do it anywhere. It doesn't have to be a public thing. And again, it's a small step. Small is brave. small is sustainable, small is courageous, small is vulnerable. That would be my baby step.

Stephanie Mara 49:00

I love it, and it is a really powerful question to ask, because so often we can tap into our own humanity and how we would want to create others, or how we would approach anyone that we do feel genuine love for in our life, that we would know how we would want to respond with them if they were really struggling, we would want to be there for them and not leave them in their hardest, darkest moments. So it's a beautiful question to ask in that moment, of like, can I treat myself the way I would treat literally anyone else in my life that I love. So I love that. I'm curious how individuals can keep in touch with you and the work that you're doing in the world.

Lulu Essey 49:12

I also have my own podcast, the Lulu Essey Podcast, and I love them to come and visit me. It's a solo podcast. It's intentionally unedited, because that's my practice of self acceptance, and that's my embodiment of kind of what I teach. And I'm also a big one on imperfect action, so that's kind of how I do that. And then I'm on LinkedIn, and I'm on most social media platforms. I have a YouTube channel, I'm on Instagram, TikTok, so yes, my heart, my door is always open, my mind.

Stephanie Mara 49:12

Awesome. Well, I will put all of those links in the show notes, and just thank you so much for being here and sharing your passion and all everything that you have been updating in this field of self love. I just really appreciate your perspective.

Lulu Essey 49:16

Thank you so much, Stephanie. And thank you for the opportunity to speak with you and to speak with your community, and just also want to acknowledge you for the incredible work you're doing and continue to do with your community. I got so much out of kind of, I binged in a really good way a lot of your episodes, and it was very affirming and very soothing as well. So, thank you.

Stephanie Mara 51:07

Thank you so much for that. And I'm so glad that the episodes are feeling supportive. That is the whole point of having this podcast, is hopefully being able to touch more lives, and like our conversation today, being able to, you know, have people go out into the world and feel like it's safe to embody and be themselves. So, I'm glad that that is coming across. And yeah, to everyone who is listening, thank you for being here. And if you have any insights or aha moments from this episode email me at support@stephaniemara.com and I hope you all have a safety-producing and satiating rest of the day. Bye!

Keep in touch with Lulu:

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@luluessey
Website: https://www.luluessey.com/
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lucille-marie-essey/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lulu.essey/